My fat story Part 7

Me and my son June 2010

I go out from the Hand Surgery September 15th in the afternoon, and there is only one thought in my head:
- I need to lose weight because I refuse to operate on my hand!
Back to Atkins!
I knew that it worked, if I only could keep myself from  "cheating" and not lose the motivation. Now I had the best reason ever that motivated me at least as much, if not more, than when my sister got married.

The Surgical images on a open hand was stuck on my retina and filled me with pure fear.

I just need to get the fat wich squeezed my carpal nerve in my hand ... best whip ever to get started. Now it was not about loosing weight and becoming stylish", it was about to avoid an operation.

I guess it was as effective as if someone told me that if I did not stop smoking NOW, I will die of cancer in a year or if you don't stop eating sugar and carbohydrates NOW you will have diabetes within six months. Yes, just choose - a whip that is beyond what you dream about. No one wants to be sick, and I had been through enough because of my excess weight that I would knowingly continue being that.

Egazil (the anticonvulsant medication that I began to take in February 2010 because of my throbbing sensations in the body) had taken away the "thump" in the body up to 75%. Not quite, it still pulsed when I been eating and I could feel it a little when I was going to bed but I was able to sleep again without a percussion in my head. However, I had about one sick day a month (sometimes more often) then I just could not manage to get to work, when the stomach didn't move, and the energy was so low that I couldn't do anything that day. It was hard to to call to work and tell that I was  sick so often without any good reason - how could I explain why I couldn't mangage to work when there were no "obvious" fault with me? I did the same track as I always did - ate cakes, sandwiches and anything else that I "shouldn't" eat.

I could not even control myself at work when it was served . I could be on border of dumping after eating lunch but STILL, I just had to get  a piece of that cake or wheat bun. I knew EXACTLY how much I could stuff in me without vomiting but yes, I lost control at times and was forced to throw up what I ate. The bad conscience tapped constantly in me but I couldn't stop my self anyway ...

I noticed how my clothes began to tighten especially  over the belly wich was so hard and bloated and got cramps several times a day and at night too. But it was still not enough to find that "damn-it- feeling" that I knew was there, somewhere inside of me ...

Not until that day the Hand surgeon!

I came home and didn't hesitate one second about what I would eat and not. It was as little carbohydrates as possible was the main goal! I knew this!  

I started writing documents on my Facebook page about what I ate and also wrote some recipes of what I ate, to keep track of what I ate but also to tell others. I have a friend since many years, which had begun with LCHF a year before and had lost several kilos and told gladly about how good she felt as she also was suffering from ME (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) and also often had migraine and could feel it was more manageable after she started with LCHF. She often commented on my posts that I ate too many carbohydrates and too little fat, etc. .... I ended up very annoyed with her ​​and "snapped" at her at Facebook that I ate MY WAY!

It was probably close to that she stopped to "talk" to me. I had found my own version which was based on the Atkins diet / phase 1-2. So I bought nothing that had a carbohydrate level above 20 g grams/100 grams. Since I could just eat small portions of everything it felt "okay" to be on that level. I didn't calculate how much carbs I ate in one day. Everything I ate was, after all, under 20 carbs/100g.

That way was the way I had lost weight before so why should I start to involve LCHF in my version? They were just eating a lot of fat and meat, and seemed very anyway. I could  absolutely not imagine to just eat fat and meat - so disgusting ! I had seen pictures and read the updates onFacebook from my friend of broths, butter packets and pieces of meat and cauliflower lengthwise and crosswise, and yes, eggs too.

I had eaten so much eggs over the years in my Atkins Periods that I felt sick just thinking of eating eggs again. I kept myself to my "fluid" breakfast wich was yogurt with berries and / or some nuts added.

And the reason to not eat heavier food in the morning before work I popped into a eating coma directly - it got so bad that I almost fell asleep at the tram on the way to work. The same problem at lunch, at work so I learned to cook a soup instead:

My broccoli soup is made of frozen Broccoli, Soure cream and blue cheese - that I was able to eat without completely falling into a eating coma even though I was really tired after lunch for up to two hours.

Already the first week I felt bloated and gassy feeling I had in my stomach was gone and noticed that the belly was softer. I had some adjustment problems as wich is common when you reduces carbohydrates from your diet. I had sugar cravings but I "eased" it sweeteners (of course) in my tea, my coffee and yogurt .... though I had read on the can that it contained almost 100 grams carbs/100 gr - uh,whatwhatwhat? I lost weight! Slowly but I did, I felt it!

In my search for what kind of food I could make, I started to google on recepies and the best way was to search at the webpages for LCHF and I also joined some LCHF-groups and forums at Facebook...slowly I started to understand what LCHF meant - it was not just fat and meat. I found loads of tasty recepies with lots of vegetables and also baking-recepies. Without reflecting so much I ate more and more like the version who was called LCHF. I read about all the health advantages that people wrote about, not just the weight loss. The discussion about if LCHF was good or bad was a big subject at internet, in the newspapers and even on TV. I started to learn more and more about the differences between "good fat" and "bad fat" etc. 

Christmas was coming and this was the time where I always failed! How was I supposed to manage this without loosing my "whip" and continue my new, good foodhabbits?

The answer was simpel - just not CHEAT - not imagine my self that I could treat myself a week of sugar and carbohydrates and after go back to low carb food. Nooo, not trick myself again! 

Christmas in my kitchen 2010

I stayed away from the candy, the cookies, the potatoes and the bread. I decided to eat ONE piece of Christmas bread for breakfast - no more, no less!

And I actually succeded to stick to that! 

I survived my first Christmas without falling back to my old habbits and addiction. 

When I came back to work after Christmas, people started to comment my slight slimmer body (or less fat, as I used to say). I also felt how my clothes was not so tight anymore and I even could wear clothes I had in my closet wich I couldn't sany kilos over that limit. I assumed that I was about 135-140 kilos and in that year I managed to loose more than I did after my Gastric Bypass-surgery, wich were down to 119 kilos. In semptember 2011, the scale was on 115 kg. (Roghly, because I never kept any weight-log).

The strangest reaction I got was probably from one of my neighbors, a woman of my own age with a son of my son's age. She commented me and patted my belly the same week as I started my weightloss and said that I had become fat. I just replied her with a smile and said: - Yes, I know, I'm working on it...

When the spring came and I met her without my thick, big winter clothes, she stared at me and didn't even greet me. She was shocked, I think. She started eventually greet me again but she hasn't spoken to med since that day! Ha ha! Today I have the same size as she has...

At work I got more and more comments about starting some kind of supportactivity for others who wanted to loose weight. I was so passionate and dedicated about my new lifestyle and weightloss and inspired one of my colleagues to start eating according to LCHF, just by telling her what I ate. 

I also noticed other things than just loosing weight:

- I regained my energy and the stomach worked better, wich also meant that my "low energy and bad stomach-days" when I couldn't manage to work reduced too. Even my headache attacks became fewer. I could absolutly not stop eating my Egazil-medicin but I had no more seizures and flickering heart. 

I encreased the level of fat in my food and could even eat lighter lunches of solid food without getting a food coma. 

Life was sweet! 

The problem with my hand got better, but not fully recovered. I used my wrist splint at nights but felt some numbness sometimes when I worked to much with my hand, wich I did as a teacher but I could handle it. 

The main goal was still:

NO SURGERY!

I started to read more about LCHF and what the foundation of this type of "diet" is about - pure, authentic food without additives and what all those carbohydrates and additives do to our bodies...and aslo with my body...because I ate according to LCHF but some subjects, I still hadn't really embraced or understood. 

Time for next "bomb"!

I got told that I might loose (with 10 other teachers) my permanent teaching job and throughout the spring, summer and to August 2011, I went on needles and pins if I was going to loose my job, wich I did, and then waiting for getting another job in the same company up to that I became totally unemployed. During the summer I started to "cheat a little bit" with fruits and sweetened yoghurt and my usual "drug" Sweeteners. It was a great opportunity to lose all motivation because of the emotional stress that I experienced but the comments around med that I should begin to "work" and start my own company to help people to start living according to LCHF had gotten to me. Instead of worrying to much about my situation I saw a new beginning in my life and put 100% attention to start my own LCHF-support activites. 

I was increadibly naive, I had an idea that only if I made a website and spread flyers with my messages and services in the area I live in, people would stand in line to get my help...that never happened. 

I found the Dietdoctors website (Andreas Eenfeldt) and begaan to read his freepart of his book online "The food revolution" and found the logical connections between the food we eat today and the food we are designed to eat. Went to a lecture by him, bought the book and another book about sugaraddiction and realized that I still was stucked in my sugar addiction with my Sweeteners and dairy products. 

OUT WITH IT! 

It was time to stop fooling myself, even substitute sugar is sugar! 

I found my triggers and learned how to handle them or avoid them. 

The 15th of September 2012, I have managed to keep myself from my old eating habits and no, I don't feel like 100 million dollars because I still have one problem - my stomach is still a result of Gastric Bypass-surgery. 

According to LCHF I starve because I can not eat even half of what I am supposed to eat but the quality of what I eat is much, much beter. I FEEL better, both physically and mentally. 

Hm, should I tell you what I weigh today?

When people ask, I usually say I don't know, about 30-35 kilos roghly...

Today my weight is 105 kilos, so yes, I am still obese and the rapid weight loss I got the first year has slowed down, and I know why:

1. I have starved my body too many times by my attempts to lose weight since my teenage. 

2. I don't eat enough to get out of starvation because of my Gastric Bypass-surgery. 

3. Age

4. Nutritional Deficiencies (my levels are good but I lack something anyway wich is not showing on blood samples)

5. The stress to be without a job and always worrying about whether the money will be enought for rent and food, every month. ( It is not easy to find a new job for a woman in my age without a teaching license wich the gouverment in Sweden decided that every teacher should have, wich is the main reason why I lost my job)

6. The fat depots wich still are on my body is mainly on my thighs but I also got more and more loose skin and if I would "remove" that excess skin it would probalbly be 20 kilos less on weight. 

I have not reached my goal for my weight but I have reached another goal - I am free from my sugar-additciont and stopped abusing food to numb my constant cravings and realized that I can live without it. 

Life IS easier in every way and if I had know that I know today about sugar addiction, eating disorders and obesity, I would NEVER EVER done the Gastric Bypass surgery that I now have to live with for the rest of my life. I do not know how many years I have ahead of me, especially considering that the surgeons belive that you can extend your life with 20 years after such an operation. I've lived with it for almost 18 years. 

I want to live at least 25 years more...so every year I get is a bonus. The bonus that I so deeply wanted that day when I did that operation. I didn't want to die - I wanted to live.

I promised my children to not die until they manage to take care of themselves and my youngest is 14 years old so I have to live at least 10 more years to know for sure...I hope I can keep that promise. 

My dear kids: Adam, Samantha and Oliver

How is my hand then? ;-)

Well, it works...still! A little numb sometimes, but I don't even have to use my wrist splint every night. 

It will probably never be fully recovered...but you never know!

The motivation-whip - to never get my hand opererated remains, but there is a new motivation-whip also:

I am deeply afraid of loosing my new eating behavior, the fear of feeling like I did before and gain all the kilos  I lost is the main reason for my motivation today. To read and learn about all the additives and genetically abused food the food industry is trying to make us eat is also a very good reason for me. If I am craving for something sweet and yummy, it is enought to read the table of contents in and know what each ingridient does to the body - then I just get disgusted and don't want it.

Now, I can buy clothes in normal sizes, nobody stares at me when I go out. 

No one is thinking about me that I am fat and don't experience any discrimination because of the size of my body anymore. (I can "hide" in a crowd wich I longed for so much when my weight was over 150 kilos)

My body looks horrible naked, because of all the loose skin, but I can hide it with long-sleeved shirts and good bras. The only negative about that is that I will probably never dare to undress in front of man, so I will probably stay single for the rest of my life.

But it is not a big problem - I got two cats and three kids!

Hopefully, I will experience what it is like to have grandchildren in the future too.

I dream about having my own coaching-company, and help people to start their journey to a better and healthier life. I know it takes time. The concept of "giving up" is not often in my system. 

I started to blog about my LCHF-life a year ago (in swedish) and now I write my last part of my fat story, the same month as I started my journey to a normal body and healthier life, three years later. 

I am definitley not done with either myself, my blog or my life!

I will continue, and for my english readers I will continue translating parts of my swedish blog too! 

21 of August 2012 - my 50th birthday!